The Middle
Written by brianna mattis
You’re not at rock bottom.
That’s the first thing that came to my mind when I realized that I had two exams next week that I felt in no way prepared for.
If you’re a CNS student, chances are you’ve already taken your first exam of the semester, checked into your first lab, or turned in the first draft of some major paper that you have no idea how to source.
Life on the Forty Acres can at times appear, well, glazed in a burnt-orange hue; but like you, there are times when I begin to feel just how heavy the weight of a degree is.
This is just the middle; you have already greeted the past and now you are creating your future.
The most uncomfortable life position to exist in is what I like to call “The In-Between.”
In the In-Between, you are both friend and foe, hero and villain, star pupil and homeroom flunk. You are everything, everything, EVERYTHING.
Why?
Because in the In-Between everything is something.
You are no longer wallowing in pity OR walking with confidence. Somehow you are doing both. It’s easiest, here, to lose yourself in the boiling point of it all since you’re not really able to pinpoint how you got here or when you can leave.
The good news is that this is only the middle. The In-Between, like your troubles and current situation, has an expiration date.
When you don’t know what to do, feel.
If anyone has told you that what you are doing right now is easy, trust me, they were talking out the side of their neck.
Stop, think, and feel with me for a second…
Are you the first person in your family to get a degree?
Are you the first person in your life circle (the people, places, and things that are surrounding you and keeping you) to take this specific journey through higher education?
Are you undocumented?
Are you couch surfing?
Are you coping with addiction?
Are you considering the possibility that you don’t want to be “pre-anything” after all?
Do you have a recent diagnosis that you are struggling with?
Are you simply, and equivocally, tired, confused, and stressed?
Even if you didn’t answer yes to any of these things, I’m sure there is something that you would type right now if you were right here beside me. Whatever your “yes” is, you need to allow yourself to feel everything that is attached to it. That’s the first step. The second step is to identify the part of you that hurts and regardless of if there’s an easy fix or quick anecdote present, put a name and face to it.
Hold on.
The In-Between is not a place for perfection. You should expect pain.
I’m sure we’ve all heard the expression “No pain. No gain.” Well, they weren’t lying! Still, however long you have on this journey, my advice is that you hold on.
Now, wait a second…
I didn’t say suffer in silence, or hold on to things that aren’t FOR you, or fit into places that you’ve long since outgrown.
I said HOLD ON; because the In-Between is fast.
This season that you’re in will whir past you like a Beyblade. And trust me if YOU don’t “let it rip,” it could very well rip you.
Hold on–because there is so much more for you in store besides the walls that your anxiety, depression, and circumstances have built around you. You can and will see a better day. There’s nothing more refreshing than finding support and, if need be, creating it for yourself.
HOLD ON.
Because sooner or later, when the sickness settles and the pot finally boils over, you will be in a different time.
It just takes one degree for the water to boil. Hold on until then.
Some (Mostly FREE) Take Aways + Tips to Survive the In-Between:
Music is medicine that a bottle can’t contain. If you’re looking for an alternative to the popular streaming sites, I recommend attending any of The Butler School of Music’s live events and performances. There are several free concerts and recitals held throughout each semester.
Continuing on the theme of arts, if you’re a university student you can visit the Blanton Museum for absolutely free (with your student ID).
Other places on campus that celebrate art/literature/film: Visual Arts Center, Landmarks, Art Galleries at Black Studies, Benson Latin American Collection, Harry Ransom Center, Texas Performing Arts
Journaling is a saving grace. Vulnerability is a muscle that must be trained.
CMHC is a great resource for students. They also have multiple groups that meet throughout the semester.
Talk to someone and build a routine.
Advocate for yourself. Your disability is not defining.
Make a change.
Get involved!
Get an accountability partner or rock. The only downfall of the rock is that sometimes it won’t shut up.
Immerse yourself in the burnt-orange wave. Sometimes a little yee-haw is all it takes.
Get active. Here are some Austin spots.
If it becomes difficult to hold on, remember you are worthy of life. Suicide Hotline: Call 988