John Kerry Accepts Climate Award from Iceland’s Highest Ranking Puffin, Calls it “The honor of a lifetime."
Photo Credit: Arctic Circle
“While being chosen for the Democratic nomination was pretty neat and, of course, representing the great state of Massachusetts in the U.S. Senate was absolutely bangin’, none of it compares to this moment right now,” U.S. Special Presidential Envoy for Climate Change, John Kerry announced to a puffinry of nearly 5 million birds while holding up the live mackerel awarded to him by Iceland's highest ranking puffin. He was given the prestigious award in recognition of being a U.S. official who believes deeply that “the climate is changing, and not for the better.”
The ceremony comes mere days after the successful puffin coup d'état in the country upended international power dynamics. Kerry’s award acceptance has broadly been seen as a move legitimizing the new puffin-lead government by the U.S. and has been highly criticized by the international community. Many have also expressed anxiety over the successful coup, with the United Nations Secretary-General António Guterres releasing a statement asking, “If Norway’s estranged brother can be taken over by fowl, are any of us safe?”
Kerry, along with other Biden administration officials, have dismissed these concerns, pointing instead to how cute the puffin army looked as it marched through the streets of Reykjavík at the height of the unrest last week. “They say you guys aren't the rightful leaders of Iceland. Well, I think we need more cute creatures in power. Hell, look at me.” Kerry announced at the award ceremony, instantly incinerating a dozen birds with the beam of pure white light reflecting off his smile.
In his acceptance speech, Kerry also reiterated his belief in climate change and outlined the administration’s so-called “Elf plan” to combat the changing climate. “We really need to let people know that this is happening and get our Climateometer levels up.” The Climateometer, modeled after the “Clausometer'' from the hit film Elf, measures the current level of “climate change awareness spirit” in the U.S. and is at the center of President Biden’s plan to “defeat climate change by exposing it as the distasteful trend it is.”
What was not addressed by the U.S. administration is the reported use of “alternative warfare tactics” employed by the puffin army, most notably the use of bird feces that blanketed the island country last weekend shortly before the puffins successfully occupied the capitol. Ousted Prime Minister Katrín Jakobsdóttir spoke against these moves at a secure press conference in Greenland. “Did they really need to resort to such draconian measures? Come on guys, Iceland doesn't have that many car washes.”
The puffin leader, Premier Penelope, has recently outlined the policy goals of the new government with one of the largest changes being to Iceland's climate policy. Surprisingly, the regime has backed off from the country’s previously agreed upon emissions reduction goals, citing a desire to focus instead on commercial fishing expansion and see all that humanity has accomplished burn to the ground in a dazzling display of unsustainable decadence.
While President Biden’s administration has unequivocally stated a belief in climate change, it has overall worked to ally itself with the new regime, explaining that Iceland’s expressed goal of more fish was simply more applicable to current U.S. national interest than saving the world from climate disaster.
All quotes in this satire article are, of course, entirely fictional.