In case you are a part of the seventy-plus-percentage of of students who did not vote in the March 11th student body president and vice president run-off election, our new student body president and vice president is Xavier Rotnofsky and Rohit Mandalapu. These visionaries ran on a platform the university has never seen before. Regardless of what helped them get elected, CNS wishes/hopes/demands that the following three things happen over the following year in the USSR Czar style rule of the University of Texas at Austin.
- We keep Welch closed an additional 6 hours a year
One of the key issues RotMan campaigned on was the idea of keeping parts of the school closed longer so there is less time to study and more time to party, a sentiment we can all get behind. By ending the University’s acknowledgment of daylight savings time, each year will be 365.25 days long instead of having one additional day every 4 years. In memory of the late Adam Yauch, Welch will be closed those additional 6 hours every year to consolidate our right to party. We should be expecting these laws to come about in bills introduced under the guise of time management classes for freshmen.
- We put a man on Mars
After looking at their platform I would say it is safe to assume that Rotnofsky and Mandalapu (RotMan) are entrenched in furthering… or starting our space exploration program in CNS. In recent news, the Mars-One program, a campaign devoted to allowing a few people to be the first ones to colonize Mars, has been revealed as a complete and total sham by one of its prospective colonizers, Joseph Roche. In conjunction with RotMan, CNS will be putting a man or woman, but most likely a Lego man or Lego woman, on Mars or a Mars Bar by the end of the century.
--- Our initial designs for rockets can be found at in this instructional video. ---
Due to the popularity and unmatched ability to repair items CNS feels the best prospect for our mission to Mars will be Emmet, voiced by Chris Pratt, from the Lego movie. His background as a construction worker makes him a strong candidate for fixing the wheels on the aging Mars rover, Curiosity. Emmet performs well under pressure and has proven himself to be a true hero as seen in the academy nominated documentary on his life thus far. With his help, we believe that we will make it to Mars and are currently working to beat the North Koreans out of Earth’s atmosphere.
- End World Hunger
With RotMan’s key running point being the establishment of a Chili’s Restaurant on campus, the next thing they will likely do is end world hunger. In partnership with CNS, this will effectively be done through using the rockets originally designed to send the Emmet to Mars to send food to the poor, starving, and homeless. Chili’s will play a key roll (pun-intended) in this by using their 100% renewable, green, and gluten-free resource of endless appetizers for $9.99 to feed the world’s hungry. The RotMan will simply pay $9.99 to gain access to unlimited food, and the CNS will launch the food to anyone in need or anyone in the launch radius affectionately called splash zone. Chili’s has offered to send its signature entre, baby-back ribs, a dish whose ironic lack of chili peppers has cured my anemia, to all those who donate to the cause.
On a more serious note, if you have an interest in volunteering to help feed the homeless of Austin I recommend Street Youth Ministries. They have a multitude of volunteering opportunities each week that are more hands on than your run-of-the-mill soup kitchen. You can see what volunteer times they have available on their website here.
As a final note, I, as well as many more in the Natural Sciences Council, would like to congratulate Xavier Rotnofsky and Rohit Mandalapu on their win. We hope them the best in the battle ahead in student government.