The 11 Types of UT Students on Valentine’s Day

The 11 Types of UT Students on Valentine’s Day


JACOB ANDERSON Some of us sat alone on Valentine's Day, over a bucket of Bluebell, our tears intermingled with ice cream, with only Netflix to show us what love feels like through Grey's Anatomy. Others turned to the good ol' CH3CH2OH, proudly celebrating independence from the tyrannical grasp of a bae. And naturally, there were those who the holiday was intended for: the lovebirds, who began courting in every half-decent restaurant in town.

What group did you fall in this Valentine’s Day?

1. The Book Lover

“I have three exams next week and a lab report due. I don’t have time for made-up holidays.”

Many students fell in this category, preparing for the tides as the first wave of midterms crashes down. Whether single or not, this person places emphasis on their academic career, and spent the weekend focusing on their upcoming tests rather than a less-than-official holiday. Who can blame them, though: a degree and a job is a pretty solid life-partner to pursue.

2. The Unhappy Couple

“J2 is not romantic at all, I can't believe him, can someone please tell him something?"

Everyone knows a couple that incessantly breaks up and gets back together, awkwardly argues in front of friends and is generally not pleasant to hang out with in a group setting. This time, for Valentine’s Day, they likely made the denizens of J2 uncomfortable since boyfriend didn't want to spend money at a restaurant.

3. The Happy Couple

“We’ve been dating for 10424 weeks now. I love her so much.”

This couple has dating for as long as you can remember, and is surely going to get married and have a disgustingly beautiful family. The rest of us are secretly jealous at their success with love, but will never say anything. They spent the night at someplace classy, because they actually made reservations. Good for them. I guess.

4. The Spirits Aficionados

“I’m bringing cupcakes and a bottle. This night is for me and my girls.”

In lieu of mourning over their singlehood, this person will be spent their special night with a special solution. If they're female, it's likely they went to some sort of Galentine's celebration to harp on the pointlessness of men whereas the dudes probably spent the night playing Super Smash Bros over a few brews.

5. The Newly Dating

“Our one week anniversary is on Valentine’s Day, so it’s like a double celebration.”

Some people cannot be single on Valentine’s Day, and have recently picked up a man/woman to ward off the fear of loneliness. This couple will remind their friends incessantly how amazing their new S.O. is, and how their Valentine’s Day is going to be amazing. In all likelihood, these fresh lovers have not had time to make reservations or buy tickets anywhere, and spent their night at Whataburger and on Netflix.

6. The Desperately Single

“Why is he going out with her? How am I still single, ugh”

This unfortunate individual spends an unhealthy amount of time reminding everyone that even the squirrels have a more active dating life than they do. Rather than enjoy the night with friends, he or she will take to twitter or yik yak to continue reminding people how single they are. The wise avoided Qdoba to protect themselves from this single’s desperation for human touch and free food.

7. The Tinder Date

“Yeah bro, we both swiped right, she’s super hot.”

These two both sought to spark up their night with a little passion, and turned to the popular dating app for someone to warm their... heart. In all likelihood, they had a semi-awkward, forced dinner at Madam Mam's before getting down to business. (Come now, you didn't expect to find love on a "dating" app, did you?)

8. The Happily Single

“I’m better off working on me right now, anyways.”

Unlike the desperately single, this person is quite content with their singlehood, as it allows him or her to focus on other matters (whether it’s friends or school). This person is nonchalant about Valentine’s Day, but doesn’t downplay its significance to others. If you are this person, good for you. Do you, girl.

9. The Secret Admirers

“Why couldn’t I just man up and ask her out?”

If you’re single, and feel unloved, don’t fret: there is likely someone interested out there right now, who has simply been too shy to say anything (whether this makes you feel flattered or uncomfortable is up to you). The secret admirers will be spending their night imagining romantic scenarios with the one who got away. If this is you, remember it can never hurt to say something. Unless they turn you down, in which case you may be emotionally devastated.

10. The Aquatic

“He never has his act together. He just makes things up as he goes.”

This is a very small, but important category. The dating world of sharks is tough, as revealed by an exclusive from the Superbowl-famous Left and Right Shark. After resounding critical reception, these two were planning on a relaxing maritime cruise- but it seems Left Shark dropped the ball and didn't place a reservation. Left Shark declined to comment on the matter.

11. The Kanye

“I am so credible and so influential and so relevant that I will change things.”

This person likely believes that structures of love, dating, marriage, holidays and Valentine’s Day are outdated and obsolete. In addition, the Kanye is so convicted of his own righteousness in the matter, that even the suggestion of a platonic celebration offends them. This type of student tends to have “Justin-Bieber-Hater syndrome” towards the holiday, where they only bring more attention to something by continually talking about how horrible it is. In essence, this person only loves himself.

What were your Valentine’s Day plans? Were they a resounding success? Were you a J2 boyfriend? Catalyst hopes you fell in one of the more positive categories, and didn’t choke on the love in the air. If not, there’s always next year!

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